Beyond the bubble baths and face masks: a look at the difference between self-care and rest
We live in a fast-paced and capitalistic society that demands all things be focused around productivity and spending. We hear the word “self-care” thrown around everywhere; our therapists tell us to engage in self-care, our friends and family tell us to go get a massage, even our work weaponizes the word “self-care” to keep us being productive and the burden of responsibility on ourselves. We often think that if we do this self-care thing we will feel rested, rejuvenated to get back into the rat-race, but often we are just right back at burnout. We live in a society that demands too much of us, at all times. As a therapist, I've noticed a subtle but significant misunderstanding that can leave us feeling even more exhausted, even after we've "done our self-care."
Self-Care: An Investment of Resources for Well-Being
Let's clarify. Self-care is incredibly important. It involves intentional actions we take to support our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Think of it as an investment – it often requires an input of our time, energy, and sometimes, even money.
Here are some common examples of self-care:
Exercise: Going for a run, attending a yoga class, hiking, lifting weights. (Time, energy)
Hobbies: Painting, playing an instrument, gardening, learning a new skill. (Time, energy, sometimes money for supplies/lessons)
Socializing: Meeting friends for coffee, attending a party, connecting with loved ones. (Time, emotional energy)
Personal Growth: Reading a non-fiction book, attending a workshop, journaling. (Time, mental energy)
Therapy: Investing in your mental health by processing emotions and developing coping strategies. (Time, emotional energy, money)
Healthy Eating/Meal Prep: Planning and cooking nutritious meals. (Time, energy, money)
These activities can be helpful at preventing burnout, maintaining balance, and fostering personal growth. They can replenish us in specific ways and help us show up more fully in our lives. However, they are still activities. They still require you to do something.
True Rest: The Radical Act of Stillness and Non-Doing
The distinction between self-care and rest is critical if we are to start engaging in actual rest. True rest is not about doing more. It's about stepping away from all roles, responsibilities, and the constant demand to be or do anything. It's about being still, being present with yourself, and allowing your nervous system to genuinely disengage and recharge.
I have recently began reading the book Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey and I remember a story she shared in the book about her grandmother taking 30 minutes each day to sit in her chair, close her eyes and just be. I imagined that older black woman sitting there, eyes closed, setting down everything that she has to be and do and deal with every day and giving herself that 30 minutes to exist. Outside of her roles, her responsibilities, her struggles and stressors - she simply existed with herself for a moment. That is when it really clicked to me the difference between self-care and rest.
Rest is about allowing. It's about creating space where nothing is expected of you, no one needs anything from you, and there's no agenda beyond simply being. It's not productive in the conventional sense, and that's precisely its power.
Consider these examples of true rest:
Sitting amongst trees where nothing and no one needs you: This is the perfect example from my travels. Not hiking through the forest, but simply being in it. Listening. Observing. No destination, no performance, no goal. Hiking is the self-care, sitting amongst the trees is the rest.
Staring out a window with a cup of tea, letting your mind wander: No phone, no podcast, no book. Just pure, unstructured downtime.
Lying on the couch, eyes closed, simply breathing: Not napping (though naps are also great!), but consciously releasing tension and allowing your body and mind to simply be.
A quiet moment of meditation or mindfulness, without an agenda: Not trying to achieve enlightenment, but simply noticing your breath and sensations.
Just existing in your favorite quiet spot: Maybe it's a comfy chair, a patch of sun on the floor, or a secluded corner of your garden.
Why This Distinction Matters
In our productivity-obsessed culture, we often confuse self-care with rest, leading to a constant cycle of doing, even in our downtime. We fill our "free" moments with more tasks, more consumption, more engagement, albeit often enjoyable ones.
But our nervous systems need true disengagement. They need moments of zero input, zero demand, zero output. Without this deep, profound rest, we can find ourselves perpetually exhausted, even when we're meticulously "self-caring." The feeling of being "on" never truly switches off.
The Invitation: Prioritize Both
My invitation to you is this: Don't abandon your self-care practices – they are essential. But consciously, intentionally, carve out space for true rest.
Ask yourself:
When was the last time I truly did nothing?
When was the last time I disconnected from all my roles and responsibilities, even for 15 minutes? 10 minutes? Heck, even 30 seconds to start will do!
Where can I find a moment of stillness where nothing and no one needs me?
True rest is not a luxury; it's a fundamental human need. Rest is part of how our bodies work. Our bodies were not designed to be constant productive, output machines that capitalism tells us we are supposed to be. Rest is inherent to our nature as humans. To slow down, to be still, to be present. It's the silent foundation upon which effective self-care, sustained energy, and genuine well-being are built. So, go ahead and take that bubble bath or hit the hiking trails, but also remember to pause, breathe, and simply be. Your whole self will thank you for it.
